


There's Nothing

by lightthornn



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Wicked Powers Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Kitty - Freeform, M/M, herondale angst, kitty reunion, sad kit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27947903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightthornn/pseuds/lightthornn
Summary: Kit has never been able to get over Ty, and he figured that he would never see him again. But with some courage from Jem, he finds himself back in LA. Back staring into those grey eyes.
Relationships: Jem Carstairs/Tessa Gray, Julian Blackthorn/Emma Carstairs, Tiberius Blackthorn/Kit Rook
Comments: 6
Kudos: 76





	There's Nothing

Kit stared out his window, at the rolling hills in the background. Devon was beautiful. That was Kit's favorite part of living there with Jem and Tessa. Every morning, he was greeted with something that was too beautiful to be real. Whether it was a shining sun or rain pattering on his window. He never knew what it would be, and there was a sense of adventure in that.

But there were some days when he would throw his window open, taking in the scent of the trees and the air, and the wind would hit his face just right, and he would find himself being thrown right back to Los Angeles, finding himself on the beach next to Ty Blackthorn as he threw his head back with a laugh. 

Those days were hard. 

He tried as hard as he could to get over Ty. He dated girls and boys, spent nights in stranger's beds, but he was never able to get grey eyes out of his mind. There were times when Tessa would look at him and Kit could swear he saw Ty in those eyes. 

Herondales loved but once. Jace had mentioned it one day off handedly. He clearly hadn't meant what it did to Kit, but ever since that day, Kit had just tried harder to reach the day where he was no longer in love with someone who he didn't even matter to. 

Of course, it never worked. 

It hardly took anything to remind him of Ty. The mention of Sherlock Holmes, or seeing an animal on the street, when he would count windows on a building, or see headphones wrapped around a stranger's neck. Ty was everywhere, but he was nowhere all at once. 

When he would go to the London Institute, he would wander onto the roof without even noticing where he had ended up. Stare at the spot where he had held Ty with everything in him so long ago, when it had felt like his entire world was falling down, but as long as Ty was there, maybe he would be okay. Maybe he would find his footing in this brand new world and life that he had spent his whole life fearing. 

Maybe it wasn't Kit being thrown towards memories of Ty. Maybe it was the Ty that always lived in Kit, in the back of his mind, with his memories of all the other Blackthorns, memories of fighting demons, hiding with the twins, beaches, wind in his hair, and sand between his toes. standing in the training room and planning on running away, campfires and tear streaked faces, his first rune, laughing in Ty's bedroom when they should've gone to bed a long time ago. Maybe it was just Ty coming to the surface of his mind at even the slightest reminder of himself. 

The only parts of his old life that Kit had seen had been Julian and Emma. When he first saw them, he wanted nothing but to run out of the room, but was stuck when Emma had wrapped him in a hug, telling him that they all missed him. He hadn't missed the glare Julian had shot his way, and he would never forget the guilt that flashed through him, that made him want to hide away forever. The pointed looks Emma gave him when he would ask about all the Blackthorns except him. Julian answered without him needing to, of course, but he had never asked. 

It was another one of those days, when he felt like hiding under his blankets and never coming out. When he wanted to strip himself of everything good for saying something like that to Ty. 

He hadn't come out of his room, instead sitting in the window seat with his arms wrapped around his knees, head leaning against the window as he watched a rabbit dart across the lawn, running into the woods and meeting with another rabbit. How simple it must be, he thought. To be such a small creature in such a big world, oblivious to everything else happening. 

A knock on the door. "Kit?" Jem's voice. 

"Come in," Kit said quietly, trying to wipe his eyes. He always cried on these days, no matter how much he tried not to. 

Jem came in, quietly closing the door behind him and crossing the room, crouching down in front of Kit. "Hey there," He said, his voice gentle as ever. "What's the matter, now?" 

Kit shrugged. Nobody else knew about Ty- his feelings for him. Unless Ty had told someone, and he knew deep down that wasn't a possibility. Ty wouldn't tell anyone. 

"You can tell me anything, you know," Jem told him. "And don't think I won't understand. I've known a great deal of your relatives. You're all the same, in a way. You're showing the basic signs of a broken heart," 

Kit felt his lip tremble and couldn't bring himself to look at Jem. He just couldn't. "You don't know that," 

"Yes, I do, Kit. It's not even a Herondale thing. I see the way that you get when any of the Blackthorns are mentioned," As if proving his point, Kit flinched upon hearing the name, "Or the way you hardly talk about what things were like in Los Angeles. And then you have days like this, and that's okay. But I want you to know that you can talk to me,"

Kit stayed silent. 

"You gave your heart to someone, and got it crushed in the process. Was it Livvy? Tessa and I know that pain more than anything," 

A laugh bubbled from Kit's lips. "No. Not Livvy. I did kiss her once, though," 

He was still staring out the window, watching as a drop of water ran down the window, breaking off into two separate ones and going their separate ways.

When he did finally look at Jem, he was looking at Kit as if he was waiting for something. Kit looked back at the window. 

"Ty," He said, barely above a whisper. It was one of the first times he had said the name in years. He had thought it plenty of times, and begged to say it, but knowing it was better if he kept things to himself. The word should feel foreign on his tongue, but it felt more right than anything else. 

"Tiberius," Jem said. 

Kit nodded slowly, not wanting to look at Jem yet again. While he knew that Jem was accepting, he was also well aware of when Jem had grown up. He had heard stories about Anna and Thomas Lightwood, and Matthew Fairchild, yet, he was still worried about the one thing of not being accepted. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have anywhere else to go. He would be thrown out of yet another home, reminded one more time that nobody could love him. 

"Hey," Jem said, reaching out and putting a hand on Kit's shoulder. 

When Kit met his eyes, his own were blurred with tears. 

"I'm sorry," Kit whispered, but Jem only shook his head. 

"There is nothing that you need to be sorry about. The heart wants what the heart wants, doesn't it?" 

"I miss him," Kit said quietly. Another thing that he hadn't let himself say to anyone else. "I miss him so much," 

"You can see him anytime, you know. Emma or Julian would be glad to have you two see each other again," 

But Jem didn't know what happened that night at Lake Lyn, when his nerves had been through the roof and he felt more helpless than he ever had, when he had felt like he had fallen and couldn't fall any lower, like he would never be able to climb up again. 

Jem seemed to know what he was thinking. "Did you ever tell him?"

Kit nodded slowly. He would never forget that moment. 

_I love you, Ty. I love you._

"What did he say?" Jem asked, his voice filled with only love as he looked at Kit, who was trying not to cry, not to show weakness. 

"He said nothing," Kit said. "He didn't say anything. And he- he..." He would never expose Ty for doing necromancy, never in a million years. He stumbled on his words. "He said I was nothing. Maybe not directly but- and then I told him I wish I'd never known him, but I didn't mean it," He rambled, not realizing how much he was saying. 

Jem's face flashed with sympathy. "Oh, Kit," He said as Kit choked on a sob, wrapping him in his arms. 

Kit hated to cry, even more in front of Jem. He had always wanted to see strong, to not make Jem or Tessa regret their decision in taking him in, treating him like family. 

"It was a mistake. You were both young," Jem said soothingly. "When we are young, we find it difficult to understand our feelings. Ty even more so. He didn't mean it, Kit," 

"What if he did, though?" Kit asked. He had seen the shock in Ty's beautiful eyes that night. And to this day, he didn't know what to make of it. But he would never forget the exact look of his eyes that night. 

"I know that he didn't. You forget that I talk to Emma often. She asks about you. One time Ty was there, in the background. He asked about you. He wanted to make sure you were okay. When I said that you were, he looked like the weight of the world had lifted off his shoulders," Jem rubbed Kit's back, and for a moment Kit wondered if this was what it was like to have a dad. 

"I loved him, though. I loved him so much it felt like I was drowning," Kit told him. "And he said I was nothing," 

"Oh Kit, even I can tell and I hardly know Ty. You are _everything_ to him," Jem said, pulling back and holding Kit's shoulders, reaching up and wiping a tear off his cheek. 

"It doesn't even matter," Kit said, panic flooding him. "It doesn't matter because I ruined everything. I told him that I wished I had never known him," 

"Then go and tell him that you didn't mean any of it," 

Kit's mouth opened and closed, he couldn't find the right words. "What if-"

"It does little to dwell on the what ifs of the world. Go and tell him, Kit. Tessa can make a portal whenever you want," 

He couldn't imagine the thought of seeing Ty again, seeing him after three years. But now that the idea was in his mind, he couldn't imagine not going through with it. "Tell Tessa I'll be ready in ten minutes," 

* * *

It didn't hit Kit until he had already portaled in that Ty might not even be there. He knew that he was attending the Scholomance. Kit had smiled when he heard the news. It had always been something Ty wanted to do, he was glad that Ty was happy, at least. He could be miserable as long as Ty was happy. 

But he was standing outside the Los Angeles institute, one bag in his hand, staring up at the place he had dared call home three years ago. 

If he thought the memories were bad in Devon, they were fatal when he was back where they had happened. Up ahead was the place where Ty had stopped him from running away, where Kit had become Watson for the first time. And a ways down was the beach where he had watched Ty hold a starfish, and the moment where Kit had truly been stopped, not aware of his feelings at the time, but they had been there. Just inside was the kitchen where Ty had given him his first rune with gentle hands, and where he, Ty, and Livvy had eavesdropped on everyone. He could still remember the exact path to his room, even the crooked floorboard. The floor where Ty had slept when Kit had first got there. 

The Los Angeles was a place with too much history, and it physically pained Kit to be there again, but he had already showed up. He couldn't leave now. 

Jem told him that nobody knew he was coming. He didn't know how to feel about that. Nerves filled him as he knocked on the door, before realizing how stupid that was. Institutes were open to any Shadowhunter in need. But walking right in felt even worse. 

What felt like years passed before the door opened, and Julian was standing there. Kit had seen Julian, so it wasn't as much of a shock to see how much older he looked. He was still the same Julian who Kit had always been terrified of. 

Julian stared at him for a long moment before stepping aside to let him in, letting out a long sigh. "It was only a matter of time. He's not home. Well, he is. But not right now. He won't be home until later tonight," 

Kit nodded slowly before he said the one thing he knew he had to say. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt him," 

Julian smiled, though it looked a little forced. "He never meant whatever he said to you, either. I don't know what happened, but he was guilty. I know my brother well enough to say that," 

"I'm still sorry," Kit said, looking around the entrance. It looked the exact same as it had when he had walked inside it for the very first time. He hoped the sadness wasn't showing on his face as he adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "How are the others?"

Julian's face lit up, like it always did when he talked about his siblings. "Helen and Aline are doing great. They have a little girl now- Sabrina. She's adorable. Mark is doing great in New York, he's there right now with Cristina. Kieran is good too. Dru is doing amazing at the Academy; we all expected her to, of course. Ah, she's around here somewhere. Tavvy too, he's talking everyone's ear off about being _parabatai_ with Rafe when they're old enough," 

Kit nodded slowly. "Good, that's great. I'm glad to hear it. You and Emma?"

"We're amazing. Things are perfect, really," Julian assured him. There was still something in Julian's voice that Kit assumed would stay until things were fixed- or maybe even forever. 

There was footsteps pounding down the stairs. "Jules! Tavvy took my-" Dru's voice faltered when she saw Kit standing there. 

He had always felt awful for leaving Dru, too. She had seemed so happy to learn how to pick locks from him, and he had been glad to teach her. There had even been times in Devon when he toyed with the idea of getting back in touch with her. But he never did. She was too close to Ty. 

Dru walked right up to him and instead of slapping him like he would've expected, she wrapped her arms tightly around him, but then stepped back. 

_There_ was the slap. It sent a tingle of pains on his cheek where her hand had hit him, but he knew that he deserved it. He deserved worse. 

"You left!" Dru shouted. "You didn't even say goodbye!" 

"I'm sorry," Kit mumbled. An apology wasn't enough, and he knew that. But he couldn't exactly explain either without telling too much. Why he left wasn't something that he needed to be sharing with everyone. 

"I missed you," She said, her voice more vulnerable. 

"I missed you too," Kit tried smiling at her, and from the smile she returned, it seemed to have worked. 

Dru's shouting had caught the attention of others, from the way Aline and Helen walked into the room with a little faerie girl with brown hair behind them, and Emma sprinting down the stairs. 

"I knew you would come back," Emma said with a smirk. She glanced at Julian. "You owe me a pancakes breakfast in dinner,"

Kit was confused, but he didn't say anything. Being in the same room as all of them felt so right, but so wrong. He had grown so accustomed to seeing Jem, Tessa, and Mina next to him. And of course, Ty wasn't there. Nor was Livvy. 

There were a few more hugs, and promises to never do that again. Kit was shocked about how kind they were being to him, because they shouldn't be nice to him. They should hate him, and he wouldn't blame them in the slightest. Even he hated himself some. 

It wasn't long before they were all in the library, just like old times. Kit kept to the edge of the room, still feeling slightly like an outsider. He always had, being away for so long was only going to make things worse, he had known that. 

"So, Kit," Helen said. "What brings you all the way back here?" 

His first instinct was to lie. He had always lied to everyone. The only person he had never been able to lie to was Ty. 

"Jem said that I should come. Fix some things," It wasn't the full truth, but it was as close as they were going to get. Nobody else needed to know what had happened, why he was really there. 

"You do need to fix some things," Julian said, crossing his arms. 

Kit's eyebrows shot up, and he glanced at Dru, who sighed, walked over to him, grabbed his arm, and pulled him out of the room. "I'm taking him now!" She called back into the room. 

He didn't have time to ask what she needed him for before she started talking. "You're here for Ty," 

"Yes," Kit said slowly, not knowing what she was getting at. 

"Julian... he's Julian. And Ty was really upset when you left. I think Livvy helped, though," 

Kit was about to remind her of Livvy, before he realized how dumb that was. Of course she knew what had happened to her sister. It had happened years ago. "You know," 

"I know," Dru confirmed. "I heard Ty talking to Magnus after you left. Ty wanted to say goodbye to you," 

Kit ran a hand through his hair, staring at his feet. "I can't tell you everything that happened, or exactly why I left," 

"I know," Dru said again. "I never thought you would tell me. Tell anyone except Ty. He texted me a little bit ago, he'll be home for dinner. You- you need to figure out what you're going to say to him," 

Kit's eyes widened and his heart sped up at the thought of seeing him again. "I'm scared," 

"Don't be. He misses you a lot, too. I think things will work out in your favor. He'll be glad to see you again. Nobody is telling him, by the way," 

"Ty doesn't like surprises,"

"But he does like you,"

* * *

Kit was in the same room that had been his when he had stayed there. If he looked, he could even see a candy wrapper that had been his. The window was still the same, looking out onto the beach. And Kit couldn't move from that spot. At every sound that he heard, he jumped, expecting to see Ty on the sound. 

He had texted Tessa and Jem already, they had only made him more scared. 

_Go get_ _him_. Jem had texted, filling Kit with even more nerves that he had already had. 

When it was dinner, his hands were shaking as he helped Tavvy set the table. He was terrified. 

What if Ty had really meant what he said? Jem said he hadn't, and Dru said he missed him, but nobody knew Ty better than Ty did himself. If Ty had meant what he said, Kit wouldn't be shocked if nobody else knew about it. He was terrified of what could happen. 

But if it gave him the answers he needed to move on, then maybe he would learn to deal with it. He hoped he would. 

Julian had made spaghetti, and as Kit sat down next to Dru and Emma, he could hardly even breath. He was trying his best to act casual, but he didn't know how he was supposed to do that with the possibility of Ty walking through the door any second. 

Luckily, it didn't seem like anyone else picked up on his nerves. And if they did, they didn't acknowledge them. They still included him in the conversation as much as they could, but he was out of the loop. 

_I love you, Ty. I love you._

_There's nothing if you aren't here._

_I wish I'd never known you._

Everything had collapsed that night at the lake. Kit only wished Ty could find it in him to forgive him. 

The front door opened and Kit almost dropped his fork, staring at the doorway. He couldn't do anything else but listen as footsteps got closer, wishing that time would slow down. He needed more time, he wasn't ready. He-

Ty was standing in the doorway, smiling. "It was pretty easy..." His voice faltered as his eyes met Kit's.

For the first time in three years, blue eyes met grey, and everything did stop. 

He felt like he was fifteen again, staring at the boy with a knife to his throat and thinking about how beautiful he was, rather than the blade threatening his very life. 

Ty stared at him for a long second, before he turned and left the room. 

Kit didn't know he was getting up until he was following Ty up the stairs. "Ty," He said. 

Ty did turn and look back at him, though it looked like it pained him to do so as he closed his eyes. "You left," He whispered. 

"I know," It was not the first time Ty Blackthorn had reached into Kit and rendered him speechless. Something in Kit told him that it would not be the last either. 

"You said you wished you'd never met me," 

"And I didn't mean that," Kit said. He shouldn't have listened to Jem- he should've said no, he was fine without seeing Ty again, he was fine with staring out the window, lost in his own memories. 

But then Ty's next words were too full of pain for Kit to ignore. "You didn't say _goodbye_. We said to never being parted. What happened to never being parted Kit? What happened?" 

Kit already felt tears in his eyes, and willed them to stop. He was well aware that anyone could hear him at any second. Glancing around, to make sure nobody was around, he opened his mouth before Ty sighed, pulling him into his room. 

It was exactly the same as it had been before Kit had left, and it made his words get caught in his throat. 

"What happened?" Ty asked quietly. 

"I told you that I loved you and you didn't say anything back," Kit said, not meeting Ty's eyes. He didn't expect Ty to meet his own, but when he glanced up, their eyes made contact and it was like his own were a magnet, locking onto his. "You said there was nothing without Livvy here," 

Ty shook his head. "No, Kit. There's nothing if _you_ aren't here," 

Kit forgot how to breathe. Ty couldn't be telling the truth. But most of the time, Ty did tell the truth. But it didn't make sense, Livvy had been his twin, his other half. And Kit was just... _Kit_. 

"And... Livvy was dead. I could hardly think straight, I could only think about how I had to get her back. And then you said you loved me and I thought you were just saying it to get me to stop," Ty said quickly, like getting the words out was something he needed to do to survive. "Were you?"

"I would never lie about something like that," Kit said. Hope was flaring in his chest. Hope that he wanted to show right down again. 

"But you lie to everyone," Ty pointed out, furrowing his brow.

"I could never lie to you. Never," Kit said. "I could never do it," 

Ty tilted his head. "Then why did you say you wished you never knew me? If you could never lie to me?"

"Because I was hurt. I was hurt, because I didn't think anyone could love me. My entire life, nobody did. And then the first time I tell someone-" He had said too much. He wished he could swallow his words again, take them back right away. But that wasn't how anything worked. 

"People can love you, Kit. I know that because _I_ love you," 

Kit felt like everything stopped again. He couldn't be hearing the truth, he had to be in some sort of dream, because never in a million years would Ty tell Kit that he loved him too. It was something Kit had imagined several times, but had never been able to really imagine happening in reality.

"I love you, Kit. I love you," 


End file.
